Thank god for Half Terms!
When I was at school I would count down the days until the next school holiday, nothing unusual in that I hear you say, most kids do. Now that my daughters at school I find I do the exact same thing, possibly for similar reasons. Quite frankly I am exhausted.
The whole peopling thing can be too damn hard at times. I need the break from it, I need to boost my energy levels and build myself back up ready for when it opens again. I felt relieved that Friday had arrived. This term has been even harder than normal, lack of sleep and crazy dreams for one and two I’ve had a lot on my mind and a lot of info to take in.
I know a lot of people are struggling at the moment, with their workloads, with running a household and the whole Covid-19 fiasco and uncertainty that it brings. I know I am not alone in the way I feel. Life in general is just very stressful at present.
Knowledge was something I thought I had a fair amount of, not just about Mental Health, I felt that I was finally starting to understand myself and why I do what I do. This week has thrown in a few curve balls and now I realise I know and understand very little at all. Everything I thought I knew may be wrong. I need to talk about it, but feel there is no one I can talk it through with. One thing I do know is that I am weird, I’m sure others view me that way too, I certainly feel as though no one takes me seriously. I feel very much alone at present.
The quirks, the behaviours and the things I thought were down to Anxiety or PTSD, I am now wondering are they actually down to something else. I don’t know anymore, I really don’t and feel more confused than ever. I wasn’t going to write because I worry what people think, but with the lack of having someone to talk too, I needed to find a way of getting it off of my chest as it is just going round and round in my mind. My Anxiety is going haywire, acting up and reacting to…….. well everything and nothing. It feels as though the almost completed puzzle has been thrown up in the air and has landed in a jumbled mess on the floor, putting it back together will be hard as I am not sure all the pieces still fit.
Oh, I read through my old school reports from the last school I attended. I thought maybe it would give me some insight and jog my memory of what I had forgotten. It made me feel a little sad if I am honest, through out my life everything has been a battle, a fight, a struggle. It was clear I was desperately unhappy at school, I struggled with the size of the school and how loud and busy school life was. I didn’t really have a place where I fitted. I had more success in subjects than others, but the commen theme of the reports was that I struggled to engage or participate in class, thats when I was there. Another thing is that I was often “distracted” and anxious. I had given up. They gave up trying to force me to participate, to read in front of the class or to do PE.
Was it Anxiety or PTSD, or was it something else? I have done lots of reading the last couple of days and I literally have no clue, lots of things fit and others don’t. What I do know, as I said above, everything has always been difficult and a battle.
Anyway, I am going to sign off here and chill out and enjoy the week ahead.