More questions than answers

Thank god for Half Terms!

When I was at school I would count down the days until the next school holiday, nothing unusual in that I hear you say, most kids do. Now that my daughters at school I find I do the exact same thing, possibly for similar reasons. Quite frankly I am exhausted.

The whole peopling thing can be too damn hard at times. I need the break from it, I need to boost my energy levels and build myself back up ready for when it opens again. I felt relieved that Friday had arrived. This term has been even harder than normal, lack of sleep and crazy dreams for one and two I’ve had a lot on my mind and a lot of info to take in.

I know a lot of people are struggling at the moment, with their workloads, with running a household and the whole Covid-19 fiasco and uncertainty that it brings. I know I am not alone in the way I feel. Life in general is just very stressful at present.

Knowledge was something I thought I had a fair amount of, not just about Mental Health, I felt that I was finally starting to understand myself and why I do what I do. This week has thrown in a few curve balls and now I realise I know and understand very little at all. Everything I thought I knew may be wrong. I need to talk about it, but feel there is no one I can talk it through with. One thing I do know is that I am weird, I’m sure others view me that way too, I certainly feel as though no one takes me seriously. I feel very much alone at present.

The quirks, the behaviours and the things I thought were down to Anxiety or PTSD, I am now wondering are they actually down to something else. I don’t know anymore, I really don’t and feel more confused than ever. I wasn’t going to write because I worry what people think, but with the lack of having someone to talk too, I needed to find a way of getting it off of my chest as it is just going round and round in my mind. My Anxiety is going haywire, acting up and reacting to…….. well everything and nothing. It feels as though the almost completed puzzle has been thrown up in the air and has landed in a jumbled mess on the floor, putting it back together will be hard as I am not sure all the pieces still fit.

Oh, I read through my old school reports from the last school I attended. I thought maybe it would give me some insight and jog my memory of what I had forgotten. It made me feel a little sad if I am honest, through out my life everything has been a battle, a fight, a struggle. It was clear I was desperately unhappy at school, I struggled with the size of the school and how loud and busy school life was. I didn’t really have a place where I fitted. I had more success in subjects than others, but the commen theme of the reports was that I struggled to engage or participate in class, thats when I was there. Another thing is that I was often “distracted” and anxious. I had given up. They gave up trying to force me to participate, to read in front of the class or to do PE.

Was it Anxiety or PTSD, or was it something else? I have done lots of reading the last couple of days and I literally have no clue, lots of things fit and others don’t. What I do know, as I said above, everything has always been difficult and a battle.

Anyway, I am going to sign off here and chill out and enjoy the week ahead.

Vanish

There have been many times throughout my life where I have just wanted to Vanish, to disappear, or to not be here anymore. But, I’m still here.

Whenever these thoughts pop into my mind they are often followed closely by feelings of guilt. My family have lost far to many people already, there is no way I could put them through something like that, there are to many people relying on me.

The need to escape doesn’t leave though, it holds strong and today I am finding I am struggling to push these thoughts and feelings aside. Today I want to run, to get away from certain people, from certain situations and places that hold painful memories.

But, in reality perhaps its a need to escape from myself……………..

……………That’s not really possible is it.

Notice the Little things

Every morning, on the walk home from school, I pass this little girl who can’t be much older than 2 walking with her mum.

Every morning the mum and I say good morning to each other. Straight after the little girl will say good morning too, and when I reply her whole face lights up and she has the cutest smile. Which makes me smile in return and lifts my mood.

I remember when my daughter was small, when she said hello to someone and they didn’t reply, she was so disappointed.

Its funny how something so small can have such a huge impact on you. Small acts of kindness and connection can mean so much to someone.

Note To Self

I am sorry I treated you so badly and blamed you for “stuff” that was out of your control, it wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault. I would never dream of treating others the way I have treated you.

I am sorry that I hated you. I hated you for struggling the way you do, for panicking over stupid insignificant stuff, the small stuff and the big stuff. The stuff that doesn’t really matter.

I blamed you for the years of Anxiety, for overreacting or being a Drama Queen, I wondered if it was some sort of punishment. I didn’t think you deserved to be happy.

I wished you were normal, and that you were more like everyone else. Look at the amazing lives they lead. Look at how easy they talk to each other, look at the the connections they have with others, why couldn’t you be more like that.

I believed that you didn’t fit in, and there wasn’t a place for you here. I felt others found you an inconvenience, a burden, a nuisance. I thought you were different and I wanted to hide you away.

I am sorry I wanted you to be better, to do better, to be anyone other than who you are.

I am sorry I didn’t understand you, I had no idea why you do what you do, I just thought you were weird. I didn’t understand where all of the Anxiety came from or why you found it so hard to talk.

I now realise it was down to PTSD and that it was your way of coping, getting through each day. It was also your way of protecting yourself and you did your best with what you had. I want to learn more about you and learn to treat you better. Allow me to learn how to love you just the way you are.

I understand so much more now, more than I have ever done. I just hope you can forgive me.

Stronger

Part one

This week has flown, I am undecided as to whether that is a good thing or not. There is so much I want to achieve and so little time to do it in.

I think I have felt every emotion going this week, at times I didn’t know what it was that I was feeling. But, Today there is something else, something new. I feel lighter, I don’t mean weight wise either, its a lightness and I feel stronger. I didn’t notice it until a Friend pointed out that I was stood taller and was talking with more confidence than I had the last time we met.

Im not 100% sure where it has come from, perhaps its because I feel less alone, or perhaps its from being certain there is an end point to all this. As difficult as things are at the moment, how hard the Therapy is and the Homework, I know there will be light at the end of Tunnel.

Perhaps its a belief I have a future, I’ve never really felt that before, I have never been able to see past the Anxiety or the struggles. I’ve always felt as though I am walking through quick sand, and every step is slow and uncoordinated, but now I can imagine a time when I won’t struggle as much.

I feel less Angry, it is what it is, I can not change the past. It happened. But maybe I can release the tight grip it has held on me, given time.

I am lucky, I have some very supportive friends in my life, who have stuck with me through both the good times and the bad. Even when I tried to shut everyone out.

Part 2

Things can change quickly; I wrote the above several hours ago and decided not to post it. This evening I ended up with a succession of Panic Attacks. Why?

Well I have this theory, I am getting to the true cause of my Anxiety, the root of the problem. Thinking about it and allowing myself to focus on these memories is painful, perhaps the panic attacks are my bodies way of saying let’s get back to something safer, let’s start worrying about some random stuff that’s insignificant to throw you off course and change your focus from what I have been trying to protect you from.

I already know that I use worrying as an avoidance tool. Filling my mind with different worries, even the stupid ones, mean there is less space and time to think and deal with the memories. Maybe tonight’s Panic Attacks were just another version of that or maybe I am reading to much into it.

Either way, I am laying here feeling weirdly positive/lighter but highly anxious at the same time. My heart feels like it is trying to beat its way out of my chest and my skin feels like it is being stabbed by a billion tiny needles.

I don’t think I will ever go back to the way things were, I know to much now and understand myself so much more. But, I do believe I have a battle on my hands and I am aware that it is going to take time and a hell of a lot of effort on my part.

Outstanding Blogger Award

I have been nominated for this award twice, I’m a bit behind on making a post so thought I would combine the two.

Jess from Beyond The Front Cover and Chocoviv from Chocoviv’s Lifestyle Blog, Thank you for the nominations.

The Rules

  • Provide a link to the creator’s original award post. (Started here by Colton Beckwith)
  • Answer the questions provided.
  • Create 7 unique questions.
  • Nominate 10 bloggers. Ensure that they are aware of their nomination. Neither the award’s creator, nor the blogger that nominated you, can be nominated.
  • At the end of 2020, every blog that ping-backs the creator’s original post will be entered to win the 2020 Outstanding Blogger Award!

Jess’s Questions

What was your reason for starting your blog, and does it still follow the same structure now? Initially I started writing a blog to share my experiences with Mental Illness. I know how alone I used to feel, and how misunderstood I felt with regards to some of reactions and behaviours I experience due to my Mental Illness. If I could help one person feel less alone or think “I do that too then its worthwhile.

What is your favourite non-blogging activity? Crafting. I love making greeting cards and other papercrafts. They seem more personal than the shop brought ones. I have also tried Jewellery making.

Which of your blog posts is your favourite, and why? I’m not sure I really have a favourite, but if I have to pick one I would say The Mental Health First Aid Kit. It shares Idea and Tools that I find useful when my Anxiety is high or I am experiencing Low Mood.

What takes the top spot on your list of things that shouldn’t be annoying but really are? When someone scrapes their cutlery across a plate during a meal, the sound sets my teeth on edge and goes right through me.

2020 really hasn’t been the best year, but can you share something great that happened to you? I loved lockdown and Homeschooling my daughters, sometimes it was tricky but it meant we got to spend extra time together that we wouldn’t normally have.

If you let someone borrow a book and they returned it with dog ears how would you react? I don’t think it would worry me to much to be honest, a book is meant to be read and shared with others.

Which book genre do you rarely (if ever) read, and why? Romance, it doesn’t really interest me at all.

Chocoviv’s Questions

Do you hand out treats for Halloween? I love handing out treats for Halloween and I am going to really miss it this year. I don’t thing there will be any Trick or Treaters this year due to Covid-19.

What was your favourite costume? It has to be a Witch

Favourite Halloween novel? I haven’t read a Halloween Novel, but I do enjoy Crime Novels and love the Kathy Reichs books.

Favourite Halloween movie? I used to love Halloween Town when I was young, I enjoyed watching it with my step kids and now my own daughter too.

Candy or chips? Candy

Favourite scary monster? I don’t really have one.

Have you been to a haunted house before? I love visiting Castles and Old houses, apparently some have been reported to be haunted, but I haven’t been to an actual haunted house.

My Questions

  • What is your favourite thing about Blogging?
  • Why did you start blogging?
  • If you could meet one person from the past or present, to talk to about their views and life story, who would it be?
  • Which Season is your favourite and why?
  • What would you love to learn about next? (Could be a hobby, a subject or language etc)
  • If you could choose to go anywhere in the world, where would you like to go?
  • What was the last book you read about?

My Nominees

https://iammyownisland.wordpress.com

https://lookingforthelight.blog

https://myjourneyintodarkness.wordpress.com

https://dayinandoutwithgelina.wordpress.com

I know its against the rules but I am struggling to find Blogs who take part in the awards. If you would like to participate please leave a comment saying you would like to be nominated and I will add you to the Nominee list.

Invisible

Numerous times as a child I wished to have the Power of Invisibility; I wished to go unnoticed and avoided being in the Spotlight.

Today I have been looking through old family photos from when I was little. I wondered if I would be able to see the difference between the photos of an innocent carefree 6 year old to a 7 year old who had been hurt in heartbreaking ways by people who were meant to be trusted.

There was no difference, I still smiled, I still played with my friends, I still laughed, although I became painfully shy. If I had not lived it I would not have been able to tell. The people around me certainly couldn’t.

There are some photos of me though, with a very short haircut, apparently it was what I had asked for but I have no memory of it. Going by the age I was in those Photos, perhaps it was my attempt of going unnoticed, to stop the unwanted attention.

A lot of my childhood memories are grainy and it feels like I am watching an old cinema screen. I have spent years trying to forget, in an effort of TRYING to avoid the bad memories, I have lost some of of the good also. In recent weeks though, I have had to face the past more, and I have thought about my childhood more. Some of those memories appear clearer, almost like a fog has lifted or they have been edited.

Last week I realised I am going to have to talk about some of these very difficult memories if I have any hope of moving on. Do you know what I felt? I felt fear, I am afraid of talking about specific events and I wanted to quit Therapy because I knew I would have to. I didn’t quit. I can’t quit. Because I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I no longer want to be invisible, I want to have connections with other people. How do you change a lifetime of invisibility, as a child and as an adult I kept myself at a distance. I know I have my wonderful friends and family, but I have always felt different. I have always felt like I was on the outside. I felt like I didn’t fit.

I don’t want to just exist anymore, I want to live.

Therapy Is Hard

Therapy is hard; in fact, having to talk about something that you have spent years trying to avoid thinking about (and failing) is extremely difficult and at times heartbreaking.

Maybe that’s why therapy has only helped a little and for short periods in the past. Perhaps that’s why its only now I have an accurate diagnosis. We only scratched the surface stuff before, the stuff that was less painful to talk about, the Social Anxiety and Anxiety in General.

The last couple of weeks I have come away from the sessions with a bad headache and feeling “wobbly”, I find it so difficult to talk about and to recall certain pieces of information. It feels like a fight against my brain to gain access to the right, shall we say, record because I don’t really want to think about it. My coping mechanisms, i.e worrying, try to take over. My head ends up feeling stuck, stuck in Limbo, stuck somewhere in the middle in a confused mess. Actually speaking about it, getting my thoughts to translate into words, is even more difficult.

I know I need to get past this, I know that the only way of moving forward is to find a way of talking about it and dealing with it. I need to find a way past the Mental Block. I need to stop fighting it. But, how to you stop doing something that you have always done.

Therapy is hard, but I guess it has to be that way, to be able to gain any progress from it and to begin to heal.

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