Tonight seems to be one of those nights; I struggled to fall to sleep and then I suddenly get woken up by a Panic Attack. They are becoming more and more frequent, some days I have more than one or a succession of panic attacks, I just wish I knew why.
The ones I get during the day I can nip in the bud fairly quickly, but the ones at night come out of nowhere, often waking me from sleep. Those ones I have no way of slowing down. At night everything seems worse, the fears stop hiding in the shadows and take on a life of their own. During the day I am able to rationalise thoughts better, at night it seems a much harder task to undertake.
When I initially woke up I instantly reached for my phone, I looked through my list of contacts wondering who I could reach out too. Who I could ring or send a message to. But, then I stopped. Its 1.27am.
There was no one in my contacts that I felt I could contact even if it wasn’t such an ungodly hour. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone, or to bore them by talking through my fears, some of which they have probably heard before. Plus, with all the uncertainty in life that is going on due to Covid-19, I feel they have enough to deal with already. This virus is having a lasting impact on everyone, people who have never had a Mental Illness before are now finding themselves struggling with their Mental Health.
So here I am, my heart racing with tears running down my face and sat upright in bed, alone with my thoughts in the dark. Instead of talkkng I have turned to writting, to try and stem the flow of my panic.
I shouldn’t be surprised should I, we are faced with a change in routine again now that school is closed for summer. Although I am really looking forward to the break from the school run and the fun we are going to have, it’s still change and change always affects my Anxiety big time. I am always surprised by my Anxiety and at the lengths it will go too, the fears and thoughts that will pop in to my head. Through CBT I have learnt to break down the thoughts, to find where they come from, I didn’t even realise that it was even a fear that I had. But, looking at it through a magnifying glass it makes sense and I know where the seed was planted which created that fear.
Coronavirus and the media have generated new fears. I have suffered with hayfever the last few summers, but this year it has been a problem, each time my eyes and nose become sore or I cough I will become paranoid that it could be the virus. Rationally, I know it’s unlikely, but Anxiety is rarely rational is it. Speaking to a friend about it I realise I’m not alone in this, she knows of several others including herself who have had Anxiety and similar fears around the virus.
Today has been a busy day, lots going on and dealing with different people. Like I said in previous post I try not to avoid things now if I can help it, I try to attend or engage in as much as I can, but it takes its toll and I pay for it later. I pay for it in exhaustion, in pain, in panic attacks, it leaves me feeling on edge constantly and with a feeling of dread each morning. Sometimes sinking in to Depression when it all becomes to much. I am trying my hardest to overcome my Anxiety, I am working on personal development and learning all I can with quiet determination. Thinking about it, perhaps that is why the Panic Attacks are increasing. Because, I am working through my fears and old scars are being brought to the surface. Perhaps I don’t need to know why.
I know I can do this.
I will do this!!!
I guess I should try sleep again, I am so going to rock the Zombie look again in the morning.
I sometimes wonder if I share to much, but this is what Anxiety is, this is what it is like to live with a Mental Health Condition on a daily basis. Some days you are winning other days not so much.
But, you do find a way through.