I am trying so hard to overcome my Anxiety, but as daft as this may sound, I am scared.
There was never a before Anxiety and After to make a comparison, it has just always been there, since I was a very young child and I don’t know who I am without it.
I believe that’s why I seem to take leaps forward in self-development only to take steps backward again. Fear of the unknown, fear of how life will be without it causes me to unpick some of the progress I have made. Does that sound crazy?
Sometimes it feels like Anxiety is my safety net, my shield, my protector. Sometimes it has its benefits, most of the time it holds me back from living my life to the full.
I wonder who I am underneath it all, who am I without the constant worry and fear. Am I a likeable person, am I a good friend, a good mum, a good step-mum. We play so many different roles for different people, I’m not sure who I am beneath it all.
I apologise now if I am repeating myself, I may have said some of this before in previous posts, but I need to write my thoughts down. I must sound like I contradict myself at times, I know and write about all the things I should do and how things work, yet at times I struggle to do so and do the exact opposite. I am a little bit all over the place at the moment, today has been a tricky day and tomorrow doesn’t look like it’s going to be any better.
Tomorrow I need to wear my big girl pants. I have to take my Daughter to her hospital appointment, I am already dreading it and feeling my Anxiety begining to kick off. Normally we have someone go with us, but due to Covid-19 it’s only 1 adult per child that can attend the hospital appointment. I need to push my Anxiety down, keep it under control and hidden for my daughters sake. She needs my calm in the midst of her storm. As it was I had to break it to my daughter this morning that she had an appointment, I have to give her just the right amount of warning, enough time for her to prepare for it but not enough for her to over worry. She burst into tears, she hates going as she is petrified of the tests she has to have, telling her resulted in a stomach migraine. I knew it would. I have a feeling it’s going to be a very long night (and day). Deep down I know we will be fine, we are always fine.
I have been worrying about to many things, my mood has taken a nose dive in recent weeks. Hence the writers block and doubting my writing skills, wondering whether to I should keep this blog going. I have met some wonderful people here in the blogging community though and don’t want to lose that. My worrying takes over and spreads into everything. When I feel like this I tend to miss my Dad and Brother more than ever, I need their no nonsense straight talk, I need their support, most of all I just need their presence. This low mood takes me back into the past, wishing to return to a time when they were still here, when things were a little easier than they are now.
The tiredness that comes with experiencing to much Anxiety is creeping in, yet I know I wont get any sleep. It’s a different kind of tiredness anyway, the type that no amount of sleep will fix. I currently find myself wide awake and in pain listening to a storm outside my window and experiencing the one inside my head, I know the pain is down to to my Anxiety, I really do. But, i can’t shake this nagging doubt at the back of my mind from voicing its opinion. Maybe this time it is my heart, maybe this time I will follow my Dad and Brother and have a heart attack. I’m almost the age my brother was. It’s like fighting a battle In my mind, fighting a war I cannot win.
Tomorrow I need to be everything my daughter needs me to be. I need to be her mum, not the person filled with doubt and fear because of my own battles with triggers. I know I will get up in the morning and place that cap on my head and get on with it however I am feeling. I also know I will pay for it big time when I am home, when she is sleeping soundly and I find myself wide awake once more.