Autumn Rain

I don’t know about you but I love laying in bed listening to the rain tapping on the window. There is just something therapeutic about it, calming even, allowing the thoughts to come and go. Add to that the Cat snoring under my bed, which you would think would be quite annoying but it actually isn’t, it’s kind of a double whammy. Who knew Cats could snore so loud, its like a freight train running through a station.

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People keep asking me how lockdown 2.0 is affecting me and whether its having an impact on my Mental Health. So far, nothing has really changed for me. In a way I’m kind of in my element, the difficulties will come when things start to go back to normal again like it did last time. When Social normality returns.

This week has been a little crazy to say the least, and although at the start of it I said I wasn’t going to try so hard and what people thought didn’t actually matter, there have been a couple of times when it really did. Its a hard habit to break.

I believe it all comes down to a lack of Self-Esteem and Confidence, I have lost a fair amount of confidence in recent months, especially where people are concerned. Let’s face it, it wasn’t that great to begin with, but I lost faith in myself and my ability to cope with whatever was being thrown in my way. Being so stressed and anxious all the time stopped me from thinking clearly and being able to talk. The connection between my brain and mouth felt broken at times, although I knew what I wanted to say actually saying it and stringing the words together was difficult. In fact I was laughed at for it a couple of times.

The funny thing is the depressive or anxious thoughts…………….:

  • I must of sounded a right idiot
  • I made a fool of myself
  • They must think badly of me
  • I feel a burden
  • I get everything wrong
  • Perhaps they would be better off without me
  • I am not good enough
  • I am different

………………. came through loud and clear. Why is that?

Why is it i struggle to have a conversation and struggle to find the right words when I am stressed and anxious, yet the negative stuff is so easy to say.

Apologising also seems to come easily………….

  • Sorry if I seem weird, I just get anxious
  • Sorry, I get everything wrong
  • Sorry, I am not very good at……..

Thats part of my homework this week, to catch the anxious and depressive thoughts before saying them and start to see them for what they are. They aren’t truths.

Its only been one day so far and the actual amount of times I throw one of these in came as a bit of a shock. Let’s just say it was a lot, and to be honest it must be really annoying to the person hearing it.

I doubt myself to much and basically treat myself like 💩 to often. Like I said, my confidence has taken a hit in the last 18 -24 months. Trying so hard to be something I am not has taken its toll.

I seriously need to start believing in myself, believing that I can over-come the difficulties I have, after all im 40 and I have survived tougher times than this. Have survived despite constantly fighting a war. I got through with out any support, so I should be able to now, the only difference is I now have more understanding of why I struggled so much. I have way more strength than I give myself credit for………..if I say that out loud a few times perhaps I will start to believe it.

I have been given a date for my initial assessment for next week, I’m not sure how I feel about it. I was told that it would come through quickly, yet it was still a bit of a shock. One thing I know for certain is I hate filling out forms, especially online forms, it shouldn’t be as difficult as I make it out to be. I end up overthinking the questions.

At the moment I am flip flopping between dreading the assessment and what the outcome will be and needing to know the truth. If I know exactly what I am dealing with i can learn to live with it, right?

It won’t change who I am, I will still be me.

I am enough!

2 thoughts on “Autumn Rain

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