I came across this photo of me a little while ago, since then I keep going back to look at it, and when I do I feel a strong sense of sadness.
The little girl in that photo went through things no child should experience, no adult either. If I could reach through that photo and give her a hug I would, and I would tell her that it wasn’t her fault, none of it. For most of her life she believed that it was, she believed there was something wrong with her, that she was broken.
Had the abuse already started when this photo was taken, or was it taken before that point in my life. I’m guessing I was about 6 or 7 in this photo.
Therapy has helped, I don’t think I am dreaming as much about the memory we have been working on, although to be honest I’m not sleeping as much either. I still wake with my heart racing, shaking and a cold sweat, but I don’t remember having a dream or nightmare. I don’t think it happens as much as it was. We did come to the conclusion at the start that this was probably due to nightmares.
I have so many questions I would love to ask her, like why did she have her hair cut really short, I have my suspicions as to why but I can not for the life of me recall my thinking behind it. The memory just isn’t there (believe me I have tried to remember), there are photos of me with my hair really short, and I remember asking my mum why. She told me that I had begged to have it cut short, but didn’t know why I had wanted it as short as it was. I think this photo was taken before I had it all chopped off, but I’m not 100% sure, my memories are a bit grainy.
My memory is rubbish if I’m honest, I seem to have forgotten so much of my childhood, even when others talk about memories of us together I really struggle to recall them. I sometimes wonder if it is because I have tried hard to forget certain aspects of it for so long.
Tonight I feel so tired, I have felt exhausted and emotional for most of the day, yet once again I can not sleep. I know that if I’m not asleep by a certain time, then I am unlikely to sleep much and will experience broken sleep throughout the night. I’m not really sure why.