The air was cool and fresh on the walk to school this morning, although I feel a very muggy day is looming; my daughter was very chatty, and it was good to hear her laugh. As of late there has not been enough laughter in our lives.
I am worried about her if I am honest, she has been very tearful and neither of us have been sleeping very well, on her part, I feel it is the transition that is on the cards that is her main concern. As of September, it will be another new teacher and the work will be harder as she goes into Key Stage 2. I remember what it was like changing teachers each year, although it was not too bad at the first school, it was much more difficult in the second school. I really struggled with that change, it took me a while to get used to the change and the new routine. Luckily, at my daughters’ school all the teachers are lovely, so I am hoping that it will be less ‘traumatic’ for her.
Time is going far to fast for my liking, before I know it, my daughter will be changing school. I am certainly not ready for that transition yet, even if she is lol. It is not until you have children and plan your life term to term that you realise just how fast time goes. I remember when I was her age, the school day seemed to go on forever, and as for the holidays, it felt like an eternity before they rolled around.
It is funny, I thought my memory was awful and I had forgotten a lot of my childhood. But now I believe it was Anxiety and trauma which prevented me from recalling a lot of the memories. I use worrying as a distraction from traumatic memories, if I am constantly worrying then there is little space for the traumatic memories. It appears that it had the same impact on the good childhood memories, I just struggled to recall them.
The last two weeks it feels as though there has been a shift in the atmosphere, I have certainly worried less about what people think; perhaps it is the change in medication, which has reduced some of the Anxiety symptoms and in turn it has reduced some of the anxiety. But, I also feel something has shifted within me, something is different and I can not quite put my finger on what that is. Acceptance? Defeat? Self-worth? Determination? I am not really sure!
I want change, I want change so badly, things certainly can’t go on the way they were. I believe my worry about what people think is due to having such a low opinion of myself, but that seems to have shifted too. A friend of mine pointed out to me last week just how strong I am, with everything that I have had to deal with from my childhood and battling through Anxiety and PTSD everyday and surviving, that takes a lot of strength.
Not only that, if it does turn out that I am actually autistic, I have lived my life not knowing. Not knowing why I struggled socially, not knowing what half of my triggers are, not knowing about the Sensory Sensitivity, yet I still found my way through. Ok, so there have been times when I haven’t managed so well, especially recently. But, I am still here to tell the tale, I am still here living my life.
This post is not turning out the way I had expected, it was meant to be one of those where I shared strategies and ideas, but my thoughts seem to have taken over. Its more like a journal entry than a post.